By Gemma, a family member 

The devastation of a sentence is not limited to experiences within the prison walls. Over 67% of the family members we support are women dealing with the hidden but no less heavy burden of their relative's imprisonment. Gemma's daughter is currently in prison in Africa and, for Gemma, the lack of contact, the uncertainty, and the isolation is a daily challenge. Gemma has kindly shared her experience in the following Q&A.

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Q. Can you tell us about when you first found out your daughter had been arrested, where were you and how did it make you feel?

It was on a Wednesday, just as I had finished work, my husband called me to say my 18-year-old daughter had been found. I felt relief for a moment because she had been missing for a few days and I was out of mind with worry, until he explained that she had been arrested. My heart sank, I felt nauseous, I didn’t want it to be true! I felt my world turn upside down in an instant. How did she end up so far away from home? I had lots of questions in my head and no idea what I should do next or who to contact for support.

I had no updates or reassurance from anyone that my daughter was okay. I felt so lonely and sick with worry, she is so young and vulnerable – barely out of childhood.

It was two weeks later when I got a 5-minute call from my daughter to tell me she had been transferred to prison from a police cell. She was emotionally upset and so scared. It was such a distressing phone call that any parent would see as their worst nightmare.

Q. How has the imprisonment affected you?

Since my daughter’s imprisonment, it’s been very emotional, distressing and it has affected the whole family with stress, worry and sadness. I don’t know from one week to the next when she will call home again, if she is okay and coping mentally considering her young age. I worry immensely that she will not be able to cope with her imprisonment. I have no idea whether she would receive any emotional support or if anyone would even care to help her in prison.

I haven’t slept much since being told of her arrest but I know I still have to carry on with work and everyday life to be able to continue to support her, even though this feels extremely difficult. I wish I could jump on a plane and bring her home but I know this is not possible.

Q. What are the main challenges for you?

There is no communication from the prison where she is held, I have to just keep my phone with me in case she calls. When she does call, we get 15 minutes to talk, sometimes the line is so bad that not much can be said or heard in those 15 minutes – it is heart breaking! I feel like I am being punished too, with all the worrying, unknown and constant fear of why she hasn’t called home. Not much of a family relationship can be sustained in this way, it’s awful and I have no idea how many years this will be the new norm.

I can send care packs to her every 3 months because the prison no longer accepts money on accounts for prisoners to purchase items. This has been difficult because the prison doesn’t accept deliveries, the prison officers have to go and pick up in person from the delivery office. I have to email the prison to let them know to collect but no one ever replies back to me or acknowledges my email, there is just no support, it adds to the mountain of worry.

Q. In what ways are you coping with the imprisonment of your daughter?

I am learning to take every day as it comes. I have cried so much and my heart hurts but I know that road will only make me ill and what use would I be for my daughter if that happens?  I am trying to continue with life and work but she is constantly on my mind and the worry doesn’t just disappear. I have no choice but to be strong for her and her little sister who is also suffering because of her sister’s imprisonment.

Q. Are you experiencing isolation or stigma – from society or friends and family?

I feel isolated and I am not comfortable telling everyone about her imprisonment. People do judge and I am trying to protect my family from negative treatment and more stress.

Q. Have you been able to maintain a relationship with your daughter in prison? And family relationships in general?

A 15-minute phone call every two weeks – if I am lucky! This makes it impossible to maintain a relationship with my daughter but that doesn’t mean I am going to give up on her. Everyone in life makes mistakes and everyone deserve a second chance. Family relationships have been strained, the upset and the stress of no communication or how long she will be gone from home is very hard to cope with.

Q. How did you first hear about Prisoners Abroad?

I first heard about Prisoner’s Abroad after receiving an information pack in the post from a referral my daughter had made from prison.

Q. In what ways has Prisoners Abroad been able to help?

Prisoners Abroad have been a huge help to me and my daughter. I no longer feel so alone and I am able to talk freely about any issues about my daughter’s imprisonment to the volunteers, without the feeling of being judged or any negative treatment.

I have attended regional zoom meetings that are arranged by Prisoners Abroad, where other parents or family members, who are going through the same situation of a loved one in prison abroad can get together and discuss ways of coping, what else to expect going forward and anything else we feel free to share with each other to help. This is so comforting to know I am not the only one in the world dealing with this heartache, even though the pain is still there, it is a big help to talk and to know someone cares.

My daughter has received books, magazines and pre-paid envelopes to help with her mental well-being and have the opportunity to write home.

Without Prisoners Abroad, I wouldn’t get those important letters from my daughter that reassures me she is okay. I can’t imagine how I would cope without those letters.

Q. Has the support of Prisoners Abroad helped you cope with your situation?

I know Prisoners Abroad will always be a phone call away if I need help or advice, they always return email messages or phone calls. I know I can rely on them to help in any way they can without any judgement or negativity.

It is a big help to me and my family, we would feel even more isolated and communication with our daughter would be dire if we didn’t have the support of Prisoners Abroad. They truly are a lifeline for me and my daughter and the rest of her family. I will be forever grateful for all the support Prisoners Abroad have provided me and my family.

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Creating a safe, non-judgemental space for shared experiences.

Prisoners Abroad helps family members affected by a loved one’s imprisonment by providing one to one support as well as hosting family support groups around the country and arranging overseas visits.

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