This story written by Jordan* was published in our overseas newsletter and provides some reassurance to those awaiting deportation by describing the practicalities of the initial months back on the UK. He also talks vividly about the emotional toll this period of huge upheaval can have on a person.

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It has been about three months since my return to the UK. I’ve been through a lot in my experience; I came back to a culture and city I’ve never known with few local contacts, as well as my ideas of “what I thought life was going to be” completely shattered one after another. There is a way through the chaos and upheaval. It takes time, persistence, and dedication to maintain a calm head while staying busy in productive ways that improve life. Here’s a little bit about my journey, and it is my wish that something in it gives you encouragement and strength to make it through the turbulence.

Immigration detention was a nightmare, and I was relieved to be leaving; I had a flight that went overnight, and I could not sleep at all. The plane was cramped, and besides that, I was terribly worked up (both excited and anxious) to finally be beyond bars.

I managed to have a power nap of about 45 minutes in the middle of the flight. I made sure to eat every time I was offered food, and to have drinks with sugar in them. Cola (which has caffeine) was probably not a great option, and it kept my energy up so I could deal with the landing.

Getting through the airport was a bit tricky. The phone Prisoners Abroad provided was unfortunately nearly dead, and it was a kind of phone I’d never used. I’d never taken public transit in the UK. I had been provided paper directions, and navigating from the airport to the tube station on my own was a little harrowing as I was tired, hungry, and completely on my own for the first time in ages. I remembered I survived everything that had ever happened in my life until this point and that was not likely to change. Off I went!

I made it to my hotel and showered, then had a complete breakdown. Tears that gripped me for the things I’d been through, seen, felt, and all the time that had passed – not wasted. I cried for probably a good ten or twenty minutes, enjoying the first privacy I’ve had in almost a decade, and feeling scared about it
too; that was okay.

It was a huge experience and it was scary, having my entire world change from confinement to non-confinement in the space of a few hours.

I let my tears run out, reminded myself of how much I love and care about who I am, and that I was going to make it, so the next thing I did was I went to go buy food. I bought the first vegetarian things I saw in the corner shop at their insane prices because immediate survival trumped any other consideration, and I did not have room to think. Thinking could come after rest and relaxation.

The first thing that struck me after waking up was that my bed was so soft I had injuries from sleeping in it. I had been sleeping on a two-inch thick compressed mat on a steel pan for so long that my body was not ready for what most people consider comfort; it hurt me. I ate breakfast and ran through some stretches in my space to deal with the physical side of things, and learned to get comfortable with my new phone.

I called Prisoners Abroad as soon as they opened and made my way down to their office for my initial meeting. I don’t actually remember which resettlement officer I first met with; my first few days were so chaotic and full of “survival mode” decisions about travelling, eating, drinking, and resting that I have little recollection of them. One of the things I remember was moving every few days from place to place and living out of my luggage, and how I’d cry every time I had to leave somewhere and travel to a new location.

I remember trying to lie down for sleep at a decent hour, closing my eyes only to see the bright headlights of passing vehicles and city behind my own eyelids, coupled with the constant sirens. I also remember waking up constantly with night terrors and being unable to get back to sleep; things from my prior life that came back to haunt me, and made my days more difficult because of the fatigue.

My early days were filled with a lot of anxiety. I took up some free hobbies which bettered my life. I got a Duolingo account for free, and I began learning a language for fun and to improve my life skills. I downloaded some free ebooks from Project Gutenberg. I went to the parks close by and experienced green and growing things, which was also a relief from the intense motion, sounds, and smells of the city.

I started to do research on what I wanted my future life to look like, without necessarily being tied to it. I spent my time reading about how different features of employment, taxation, and services worked. I looked at locations I wanted to visit, and I looked at transit. I did an early budget to make sure I was managing my money correctly.

Making sure to eat enough was a real challenge; my own sense of fatigue and hunger was covered up by the constant feeling of “I am in a new place with nowhere permanent to stay.” Getting food which was nutritious and filling and also affordable was not hard, however. Like any holiday one takes, it’s expensive if you eat out – and if you buy groceries at the local shops, it’s much cheaper.

Making sure I had enough calories, carbohydrates, protein, fat, and sugar could be done by eating a lot of
peanut butter sandwiches, tinned beans, pasta, and fruit with raw vegetables for variety. These items can also be cooked with only access to a kettle or microwave for boiling water – just like prison. Pot noodles can also be made using a coffeemaker by putting the correct amount of water in the top with the cup underneath. Getting sandwich bags so I could take my sandwiches with me out and about let me avoid fast food and eat anywhere, especially before appointments. Bags of nuts make excellent snacks for their energy content, as well as potato crisps/ bread based crackers.

Trusting that Prisoners Abroad and the social support services had my back was difficult; I have had a lifetime of learning that people were untrustworthy and unreliable, and fending for myself and being capable was huge. The people and agencies here will support you; it’s normal to be afraid and for things not to work out in a reasonable timescale.

Asking your resettlement advisor lots of questions will help. “What should I expect from this? How long will this take? What do I need to do now?” Letting Prisoners Abroad tell you what decisions you should make for yourself and which ones you should not (at least initially) will give you some peace of mind. It’s important to give yourself some permission to relax and just do nothing. The emotions around returning were enormous for me, and journaling about my experience was important so that I knew how I felt.

I was lucky enough to return with my full passport, which I applied for in immigration because I had my documents ready prior to transfer. This enabled me to open a bank account quite soon after arrival. Having my documents in order also allowed my benefits claim to proceed forward swiftly and get my National Insurance number promptly. I took a bag with food, water, and writing materials everywhere I went. Every appointment I attended, I used a notebook; I wrote down the date, who I spoke with, and notes about our conversation.

Being in communication with Prisoners Abroad by email was extremely encouraging, and the ability to call the resettlement team during the day with questions or concerns is absolutely something you should do.

If you’re not sure, ask them about how they have handled something in the past; you will ultimately have to make your own decisions about how to handle it. Engagement and communication is critical. Prisoners Abroad isn’t resettling you; they are helping you to resettle yourself. Ask about how you can help yourself take charge of your own life, and start making some decisions about it!

After being back for about one month, I had enough comfort and familiarity to begin exploring. I picked up
exercising again, which is important for my mental health. Running is easy to do everywhere, and there are free outdoor gyms in many locations. It’s important also to look at opportunities for activities – many of the museums and cultural repositories in London are free admission, provided you book a ticket online.

Prisoners Abroad also makes recommendations for activities to attend; ask them what’s on, or how to find
events you like on your own. Even if you think you won’t like or enjoy them, it’s worth going just for the experience of meeting new people and practising conversation. I attended a Christmas event for the homeless, which was extraordinarily moving. I attended a flower art workshop; it was fun, and it wasn’t for me. I started going to some creative writing classes and other workshops that I absolutely adore. I investigated a religious community.

Now that you have some freedom, it’s time to learn how to use it. Only in the exercise of making decisions about “How do I want my life to look? What are the steps to get there? What do I have no control of? What do I have influence over? What actions can I take to make my life look this way? How can Prisoners Abroad help me get myself on that path?” will you find what life looks like now.

I had ideas about participating in one career path that I thought would suit me. It turns out I have an incredible passion for English and being creative in general that I would really love to do. Being flexible and adaptable is critical. What do you need for your new life? Do you need a change of career? Do you need a hobby? Do you need a friend? When does it all need to happen? Does it need to happen at all

The most important thing is to ask yourself: What do I need to live my best life? What will make me genuinely happy and satisfy my deeply held personal values? What factors of my old life can I avoid that do not help me to be successful? What new things in life can I make space for and explore because I do not have restrictions any more? 

Being transparent and honest with Prisoners Abroad, vulnerable enough to ask for help, and making time to process all of the changes will help immensely. Set some small goals every day and achieve them; one of my first goals is to make my bed as soon as I get up (thanks, Chris W.). I do this daily, and I am successful within minutes of opening my eyes. Building on a foundation of my small victories and turning them into large ones is how I make my life into the life I want to have, as well as knowing when not to fight, and when to ask for help.

I am not going to say “don’t be scared” or “don’t worry” because, frankly, that’s kind of insane in my view;
something would concern me if I didn’t have the emotions I had about resettling. This is just as big of a life change as going into prison, if not more, because of the ways the world looks more open and expansive now.

It’s perfectly normal to feel any and everything around return – and you are not doing it alone. You are the
inheritor of a lineage of survivors, humans who made it after their ancestors, and ancestors before them. There are so many people who have dealt with these circumstances – maybe not your exact situation, and probably all of the emotions.

You will make it. Remember your own strength and the way you loved yourself enough to survive prison and carry on. You are wanted, even needed in society for who you are and experiences you’ve had. It’s about being patient to find out what that place is, and being curious and open enough to investigate what it might be. There’s space for everyone to coexist, even in the ways they want to do so. Stay true to your values and be flexible in their expression, and you will be content no matter what arises.

*Name changed for privacy.

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Offering a guiding hand

Prisoners Abroad supports people who return to the UK after prison; we find them somewhere to stay, provide grants for food and travel, and help them take the vital steps to a new life.

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